There is something more confusing in my life right now than Physics.
Never thought anything could be more confusing than Physics.
The fact that I'm trying to figure out this confusing thing is making me not concentrate on Physics, making Physics even more confusing than it probably should be.

Situation needs resolving asap? OMG Yes.
Unfortunately, I 1) am a chicken and 2) even if I weren't a chicken, I have no idea what to do...

(End of remarkably cryptic entry. Anyone curious enough may ask about said situation. But realize...asking about it means that I'm probably going to ask for advice, so beware.)

I've always prided myself in my stoicism. I'm that girl that just doesn't get emotionally affected by things that things that don't directly happen to me. I have never cried during a movie/play/TV show...ever. Even The Notebook. Actually, prided is the wrong word. I've always hated that about myself. It makes me feel like a complete bitch when I seem to be the only one not affected by a situation.

Until recently, for some reason. Finally, a performance of Les Miserables brought me to tears. Maybe its because the actor that played Jean ValJean was friggen amazing, I don't know. Then tonight...Grey's...wow. An hour and a half after the episode ended, I'm just sitting here, emotionally drained, feeling the need to listen to depressing music.

Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that break is over and I don't know how I feel about going back. As much as I'm looking forward to a semester without a good number of factors that led to last semester being as bad as it was...I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle having no "friends" around. I'm afraid that I'm going to go into the summer and senior year completely and utterly alone.

I just saw Harvey and his KID (!!!)
So cute.

Dear Bowdoin,
I know that you have my grades ready, because I saw three of them on Bearings. However, I want to know if I passed Physics. Why did you take Fall 2006 grades down and replace them with Spring 2006? Must I wait another few days to know?
Hugs n' kisses,
Jackie

Did '06 Treat you well? not at all
What was your biggest achievement? Highwaying by myself, getting over my fear of singing in public, getting a great summer job in Boston
Biggest failure? My mental stability
Did you change as a person? Honestly…yes
Did you make new friends? yup
Did you lose old friends? I feel like I have
Did you try new things? Writing music, driving something that wasn’t a compact car, working someplace other than UML
Go to places you've never been? Random cities around Brunswick
If you could choose one thing to completely undo, what would it be? Ignoring someone at a party…I’m a chicken and I hate it
Get addicted to something? More so to caffeine than ever before
Developed a new skill? I think that I perfected the art of writing a lab report
Where did most of your money go? Coffee…you think I’m kidding
Top 5 favorite Movies of '06? Well…I saw 4…so all of those, sadly…even though Night at the Museum was pretty bad
Songs that remind you of '06: “C’Mon” and “Manifest Destiny” by Guster, “Boy with the Arab Strap” by Belle and Sebastian, “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol, and the a cappella version of “Pinball Wizard”
Favorite TV shows? Grey's Anatomy
What do you wish you'd done more of? Working out, actually reading physics/genetics
What do you wish you'd done less of? Procrastinating, wollowing
Did you fall in love? No…fell in like but not love
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate before '06? Ha. Yup.
What was the best book you read? Me Talk Pretty One Day
What did you want and get? a great summer internship
What did you want and not get? a new set of school friends, a boyfriend
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having a mental breakdown
What kept you sane? My family
Which celebrity did you fancy the most? Adam Gardner, Gary Lightbody
What political issue stirred you the most? Either the war or gay marriage
Who was the best new person you met? Either Lydia, TingTing, the Cashmen, or Jackie Zaborski
Most valuable lesson you've learned this year? That it’s ok not to care
Were you backstabbed? yup
Try backstabbing? no
Let a friend down? i don't think so
Did you go on a road trip? No
Get a new job? Beth Israel
Did you get fired? nope
Best vacation: …Last winter break was my last “real” vacation
Worst vacation: Summer
Best Purchaces: Anything bought at the Gap or Banana outlets up at school
Best Events: Spamalot! Pre-O training
Was '06 better than '05? no way
From January 2006 are you...
Richer or poorer? Probably slightly poorer but about the same overall
Happier or sadder? Sadder but working to fix that
meanier or friendlier? I’ll say friendlier…people probably would dispute that claim but really…fuck ‘em
More dramatic? I ate and try to avoid the drama
fatter or skinnier? Fatter
Taller? the same
Prettier? i don't think so
What are you most worried about for 2007? Not finding a research project for the summer, isolation
Do you think 07 will be better than 06? God, I hope so

Contrary to popular belief, I am in fact alive. I may feel dead often, but the whole breathing thing is still intact. Working has consumed my life. Wake up at 5:45 to make the 6:55 train, get to Boston around 8, then take the Green line to either Longwood stop. With luck, I'll make the 5:52 train from North Station back to Haverhill, and I'll pull into the driveway at about 7:15, at which point I'm purely exhausted. Yup. Fun stuff. So the job itself? Eh. I actually got to do lab stuff last week finally. The two weeks before that I was just sitting around because I hadn't been cleared by Employee Health to work yet. Everyone else in the lab is at least a year older and goes to MIT, so I feel really dumb all the time (well, not that that's any different from normal...). I've been working with another new girl, so hopefully we can both start doing things on our own pretty soon. I get the feeling that my boss hates me, but hopefully that will also change rather soon. What are we doing exactly? Lots and lots of PCR reactions and running gels to see if certain genes are being expressed in benign/cancerous prostate cells.

Anyone want to see Snow Patrol with me in August?

Within 5 minutes of each other this afternoon, I got 2 emails...

First one -- I was accepted as a Community Immersion Pre-O leader for the fall!

Second one -- I got the fellowship that I applied for with the American Cancer Society. So, it looks like I'll be commuting into Boston every day this summer, but really I don't mind. 10 weeks of cancer-related research, here I come!

Maybe I can take this as a sign that I did well on my hellish Orgo exam...but probably not haha.

BTDubs, tickets for the DMB concert at FENWAY July 7 go on sale Saturday, and I'm looking for people to go with...any takers?

Didn't get the Harvard fellowship. Boo to that, but still keeping my fingers crossed for the Tufts and American Cancer Society ones. And if all else fails, I'll (hopefully) be able to go back to UMass Lowell this summer, although I'd like to be able to have a job that wasn't given to me because of family connections.

Let's see, what else is new in my life right now...
* I've missed sleeping. A LOT. The past two weeks have been awesome in that regard.
* Seeing the Amesbury Middle School jazz band with a) a functioning trombone section and b) a baby grand piano made me bitter
* I've become obsessed with the The Light in the Piazza soundtrack recently. Matthew Morrison singing in Italian is the newest thing to make me melt.
* V for Vendetta was wierd but good. I had some wierd Phantom vibes throughout, but nonetheless...
* I've been recently introduced to YouTube and have become obsessed. Bootleg Wicked videos, hell yes.

I might as well do this while it’s still fresh in my mind, although I don’t think I’ll be forgetting it any time soon...

Spamalot! To quote Arex, oooooooooooooooooooh my goodness. So much better than expected, which is saying a lot. Only a few tiny complaints:
• they cut out half of “Run Away”
• Patsy flubbed up a line of “Bright Side”
• The Lady of the Lake left A LOT to be desired during her first two songs. She got better after that, but still was no Sara Ramirez. (then again, who is?) It’s too bad that her bad songs were “Song that Goes Like This” and “Knights of the Round Table.”
• Lots of lines were drowned out by laughter, but this could not be helped

Awesome moments:
• ALL of “You Won’t Succeed on Broadway” Really this was just amazing
• Boston references. Sir Robin threw the theme from “Cheers” into his piano solo, and the Knight Who No Longer Says “Ni” said something about Johnny Damon playing for the Yankees in his incomprehensible new saying.
• All of the French taunting sequence was in there. As was the Black Knight and Killer Rabbit/Holy Hand Grenade
• Umbrellas that had suns on them with mustaches. It reminded me of the Bowdoin sun, which made me laugh
• Sing along!
• One of the French taunters was picking hairs out of his pubic area, and then threw them on the knights.
• Ah, who am I kidding. It was just great. Trying to list all of the great moments would be nearly impossible.

"You're taking a history class this semester?"
"Wait, you're not coming to Montreal with us?"
"Good luck with your wisdom teeth!"

Things said the last day we were at school before break by the people who are, supposedly, my best friends up there. Maybe the insane amount of work that I've had this semester is a blessing in disguise. I don't know...I don't enjoy being around them anymore and I don't know why. Maybe it's the constant need to be inappropriate, maybe it's the complete apathy when it comes to me. Does it stem from my work causing me to not be around? Or from me being the only one not going to Montreal? Or from being the only one not studying away? All I know is that I never did anything to bring this about.

I feel as if I need a new group of friends at school, but that it would be impossible to get that at this point. Everyone's in their own respective group. From what I can tell, mobility isn't exactly an option. I had an in with the Mayflower crew early on this year, but I gave up hanging out with them to be with my own group, and now it's completely come back to bite me in the ass. Maybe that's still possible? I don't know.

I hate things getting like this. Hopefully these two weeks will give me enough rest and relaxation so that I can clear my head a bit and finally regain some semblance of happiness. Or maybe things will boil up enough so that I'll finally grow the balls to say something instead of just sitting there with my mouth shut. Actually, no, that won't happen. It never has in the past when I've been pissed off.

I hate how people always seem to think that I don't matter. I wish I had more of a commanding presence, that I wasn't always the girl that doesn't say anything. I wish that the things that I say in my mind could somehow make their way to my vocal cords and other people's ears.

Basically, I just wish that I was happy again. Is that too much to ask?

The streak has sadly ended. Saturday passed with no Ian sightings. Que triste. Ah well, I’m sure to see him today.

In other news, I have made an amazing discovery. I had realized at the beginning of the semester that my chem. prof is slightly crazy. (“When I say acidic conditions, I don’t mean HACIDIC conditions. I don’t know what those would be, probably something after Sundown on Fridays.”) And I’ve spent all semester trying to ascertain which crazy HHS science teacher he is most like, Willets or Gordon. (And in an uncanny irony, Prof. Broene also has the first name of Richard). But I digress. I was studying in Druckenmiller yesterday and was getting ready to leave when out of the hallway comes said professor, also leaving. He waves, and walks by me and out of the door. And I realized: I’ve always thought that he was a bit metrosexual, but today was different. Black leather jacket, sunglasses, and a red cell phone in his mouth. And I could not put my finger on the word to describe it until a bit later when I heard the word, laughed, and thought of high school memories. SUAVE! Richard Broene is Bowdoin’s equivalent of HHS’s own senor suave, Joseph Leary. And upon further consideration, the similarities became more clear. Case in point, review session last Tuesday morning at 7:30 AM. Broene walks into the room: “Oh my God, there had better be more than two of you here. I ran out of gas on the way in here…what, no questions? I swear to god, if neither of you has any questions I’m going to slap you. Mentally, of course, but still.” That and he can’t get through the morning without his mug of coffee.

Q.E.D.

I need a hobby or something.

Alright kiddos. Everything in my life is much better than when I wrote that last entry. Maybe it has to do with my near complete lack of human interaction since Monday -- a result of my three exams in the past two days. The scheduling gods clearly were out to get me this week. And for the rest of the semester, really. But I digress. This entry really just has two important points.

Went home last weekend to see Les Miserables! First of all, it's the first time I've been in the Opera House since it's been renovated. The place is simply gorgeous. Comfortable seats and leg room, too. The show...it's Les Mis, what do you expect? It pwned of course. Randall Keith played Valjean...again. Seriously, each of the three times I've seen it in the past six years, he has been in that role! Not that I mind -- he's amazing. (BTDubs -- the whole "six years ago was freshman year of high school" thing makes me feel ancient). Javert and Fantine left much to be desired. They couldn't exactly pronounce their words. Not that I'm a fan of overpronunciation, but when "love" becoves "lurve" it's annoying. The Thenardiers were amazing, as always. He was hilarious. She even more so, especially since she was THE ORIGINAL MME. THENARDIER FROM THE BROADWAY CAST (!!!!!!!) Gavroche and Eponine were the best that I've seen. He flipped off Javert "Italian style" when he outed him to the students. Sooooo cute! And finally Eponine was awesome. Seeing as she is my favorite character in anything ever, actually seeing someone talented play the part made me happy. "On My Own" gave me chills. Maybe because I'm living the song, but whatever. Marius and Cosette were OK, nothing special. Enjolras though...wow. I seem to always fall in love with the character/actor. It's a given. And Grontaire was the best so far, too. Played the "Don Juan" sketch up more than I've ever seen. Made the newspaper floppy and kept trying to flap it into an "erect" position, and then gave up and used a wine bottle. So great! And the Thenardiers came up through the sewers in "One Day More." My only complaint was that the stage was really dark, so seeing things wasn't exactly easy at times, but all in all, awesome performance as usual.

On the "On My Own" note, it seems really wierd, but for each day that I've been on campus in the past week and a half, I seem to be seeing this guy that I really like (name's Ian) EVERYWHERE. No joke. Dining hall, library, walking around, union, science building (twice in the hour I was there before my orgo exam last night...)...everywhere! And it's wierd because I never saw him until this streak. He's not in any of my classes or anything, so the whole thing's been really creepy. I don't know whether he's noticed that we've crossed paths like a million times since Sunday. Probably not.

I really shouldn't like him either. Liking one of your friends ex-boyfriend = probably not a good idea. Eh, I probably shouldn't worry. Going from previous crushes, nothing will happen. Such is the life.

Time for supersnack.

Life's been odd lately. I'm not quite sure if I'm entirely happy anymore. There just seems to be wayyyyy too much drama for my liking. Hmmm, where to start...
* FRIENDS DATING FRIENDS IS A BAAAAAD IDEA. Legs and Phil broke up. Awkward, especially since I found out through someone else (you'll notice a pattern) and had class with Legs early the next morning. And I *think* Andrew and Anna broke up. But I don't know, since no one has told me anything. Or Sarah. But she disagrees and thinks that them not telling us isn't a bad thing, because it's not any of our business. YES THE FUCK IT IS! Them not telling us leads to us gossiping. But I don't want to ask anyone, since that would just be awkward. I almost asked today, since we were in a conversation about how we can remember things that happened 4 years ago, but not what happened last week. And Andrew was like "I know what happened last week. In fact, a week ago tonight at 2 AM." And everyone else was like "And I remember you telling us in the morning." And I should have asked what the heck he was talking about and settled this whole confusing mess once and for all, but no. I had to go and keep my stupid mouth shut as always.
* I hate how I've been seemingly forced out of the group. Actually, forced out is the wrong term to use...replaced is more like it. Anna, Caitlin, and Sarah have usurped me in the group. Nevermind that I've known everyone the longest, I'm the last one on the totem pole it seems. I don't even get a say in where we go to dinner. My work load hasn't helped. Actually, it's not too bad I guess. But the amount of time that I spend working isn't nearly the amount of time they're just hanging out. Meaning I miss all sorts of fun stuff. And they don't care! Last semester, they didn't have the decency of waiting a half hour to go to Portland until I got out of church. And to go to Pedro O'Haras. And they always seem to ignore me when I talk. Can it just be last year again?
* Rooming situation is alright. Sarah has been getting on my nerves a lot lately though. It started near the end of last semester, and I thought that break would cure that. But no. I think that it's gotten worse. First of all, she is the female form of James. Always late, and furthermore, takes forever to get ready. Can't leave the apartment without full makeup -- ever! And she is wayyyyyy to happy. All the time. The girl doesn't know how to be negative or frown. This really bugged me when she was trying to convince me that a chem test that I hadn't studied for was going to be ok. When I say "I'm screwed" I really don't want someone to start spewing forth all sorts of surprisingly happy situations. It's a chem test. In it's nature, it's supposed to be hell. Furthermore, she is the most boy-crazy person that I've ever met. By far. Case in point: pirouetting through the apartment one night singing "I really want a boyfriend," talking about the level of eye candy the guy on the bike next to her, detailing to me every incounter with a boy she's nicknamed "Suave." I...DON'T...CARE. Let me do my work in peace, please. Speaking of which. I don't mind if you watch "Project Runway" (yes, I know, your "Guilty Pleasure" you tell me every week), but please don't give it running commentary when I'm still here, at my desk, trying to work through my massive piles of work. Your voice carries over my headphones.
* I really don't like that I spend all of my free time with one group of people. I miss last year, when at least I had dinner with the church crew after Mass on Sundays. I'm not sure why, we all go our separate ways now. Probably since we're not all sitting together anymore since I'm playing, but it was nice having routine dinners with different people. (Doesn't help that I've developed a serious crush on one of these guys, and don't ever see him anymore, let alone talk to him. Damn it.)

OK I'm tired, so that's enough ranting for tonight. I'm still trying to figure out whether to make this journal available to just Helltowners or to have it be completely private. We'll see. In any case, I'm really looking forward to my weekend at home (whoda thunk?) to see Les Mis even though I have three exams next week.